3 Apr 2011

no no no no no to everything.

I believe I have touched upon my issues with highstreet coffee shops appropriating antipodean styles of making coffee and, inevitably, doing a piss-poor job of imitating what is an extremely specialized, skillful profession.

I try not to spend a lot of time in the town center because, frankly, it takes every ounce of my self-control to not yell obscenities at ever fucking imbecile that I come across. On the occasions that I do venture out of my cave of solitude I have noticed more and more of what I can politely refer to as 'false advertising' and more honestly refer to as MASSIVE LIES.

Costa and Starbucks also claim to serve flat whites and now Coffee Republic. Come on guys. I understand that you are corporate businesses willing to monopolize on any 'niche' you come across in order to appeal to your vapid, ignorant demographic but I can't even laugh at this shit anymore. It's just sad.

This one is good. I see it everywhere. Considering it's based on shit coffee to begin with then the odds to not work in favor of the end product of this visual falsehood.

 There's an advert running on tv currently and at one point it shows a clip of Jamie Oliver blubbering, crocodile-tears running down his overweight babies face as he complains that people aren't massively into him rolling into their business and saying 'you're shit, I can do this better'.It makes me so happy. For one small moment a wave of enormous joy overwhelms me and then it's gone. But when I close my eyes I can still see his pain.

If I could bring myself to go get coffee at his restaurant then I would be surprised to say the least if I was served a drink that looks like that. Luckily, I'd rather carve my own eyeballs out with an ice-cream scoop and eat them than step over the threshold of that place.

What's next, McDonalds? Actually, worse. I saved the best for last...

I was gonna write something witty and acerbic but I am too busy vomiting all over myself.

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